“Tough Love”
When I was battling stage 4 breast cancer I learned so much about a new kind of love. Tough love, it is people parting with their money, their time and service when they have a loved one fighting for their life with stage 4 cancer.
When you get diagnosed with stage 4 cancer as I did back in 2010, it can seem to be the end of the road. Especially if you have been through it once before. It’s not uncommon for oncologists to say, “There is nothing left we can do for you.” You are in shock; you go home feeling scared and tell those you love the sad news. It’s normal to break down and go through a period of momentary defeat.
Sometimes, that’s all it is, ”a moment,” perhaps a long moment, until suddenly you feel a surge of will to keep fighting. You don’t want to give up! You’ve heard of miracle stories, where success had happened even when all seemed lost! What if I can be that miracle too! It’s a long shot, but, “What if…”
As a survivor of stage 4 cancer who healed without chemotherapy and went to Mexico I also understand how loved ones could think you are on a fool’s mission to keep fighting against all odds. This usually means a financial hardship and possibly having to reach out to family and friends to help you with funds for that final fight to save your life in a very unconventional way.
It means going the alternative route for many when conventional failed or you just can’t see yourself choosing a toxic approach. Like all cancer treatment, it still offers no guarantees to survive and insurance will not cover what your intuition is telling you what you must do.
Our support system is our loved ones and oftentimes rather than being hopeful, and to protect their own hearts from disappointment, it’s easier for friends or family to say a thing like: “It’s time for you to understand you are in denial.” “Is it worth it to invest money in false hope?”
“You’re so desperate you can’t even see or recognize a scam and how alternative doctors are just out for any money you have left! Is it worth all the effort of fundraising?”
I had a second battle with cancer, and I heard things like: “What about our friends and family? Do we burden them again this second time around?” (My criticizing voice in my own head was my nemesis and my greatest downfall). She always said things to me like that never helped and only hurt; “Don’t bug people!
They will think you’re crazy! They’ll just turn you down if you beg for help! It’s not worth it (which meant My life was not worth it” Once I got rid of her, the disapproval stopped in my own head and I started learning self-compassion. I was not afraid to reach out for help and I knew I would have been hurt if a loved one did not reach out to me.
People unknowingly said things that were discouraging. I am glad I dared to keep trying and never give up. My friends granted me the freedom to be that burden, and it was so humbling. I was self-conscious and learned more of my value to them in their lives because of their compassion and generosity the entire time!
They gave their hearts and souls through it all. I felt so scared of wasting their time and money but also made a “pay it forward” kind of promise to help others should I live through this! I am proof, and so are many others, that miracles are possible!
Thank you for all who believed in me and my will to keep up the fight when my UCLA doctor ran out of options. The breast cancer spread to my lungs and bones, and he did all he was allowed to do. He did his best! However, it did not prove to be the best in the world for me! I never gave up.
When you walk out of that office, you are changed. After the shock wore off and with some deep personal introspection, I realized I didn’t want to give up! S0 I looked for another way; a healthier way.
I wasn’t angry my health insurance didn’t cover alternative treatment in a Mexican hospital; after all, it was not my country. So, I guess getting my affairs in order as the doctor suggested meant for something completely different than what he had in mind.
For me, it meant fundraising and getting ready for plan B: “Mexico or Bust!”
Those who are still hopeful and don’t feel like giving up know what I mean. It doesn’t matter what they tell us. There are no guarantees in this life. So, how can anyone give up when someone has a fight left to try and live?
Tough love to me is also where your loved ones roll up their sleeves and say, “Really… the doctor says there is nothing else to be done?!” Then they ask, “Do you want to keep trying? If you do, then I will fight with you. Even if it’s a trip to Rome for Holy water let’s get some.
Faith is the most significant part of the cancer patient’s battle; they need it now more than ever to keep on this journey whether or not it means complete healing!
If you know someone who is sick, do all you can to share some of your own faith and encouragement with them. The closer you are to them, the more it will hurt later on if you don’t.
#FightingSpirit
#ShannonKnight
#CMNHospital